A grand adventure

"THE WORLD IS A BOOK, AND THOSE WHO DO NOT TRAVEL READ ONLY A PAGE." 

-ST. AUGUSTINE

Blue and white interstate signs appeared from the black of the night, increasing in size before disappearing over our heads as the big bus barreled down the dreary interstate. Unfamiliar color combinations and words served as reminders that we were somewhere else---somewhere unfamiliar and new. The steady rumble of the engine, the swiping of the windshield wipers and the whooshing of the pavement passing under our feet was all there was to be heard; all else was as dark and quiet as you would expect a bus at 2am with only a handful of passengers to be. 

Our destination was downtown Amsterdam---or at least that's what we were hoping. We bought no tickets and the driver spoke no English; we just climbed on board, grabbed some seats, and hoped that wherever it was going it could bring us back in time for our next flight.

We did make it to Amsterdam. We walked a few streets, talked to some locals, and grabbed some Chinese take-out before making it back in time to the airport. ("When in Amsterdam," right?)

Traveling means different things to different people. Ask Roberto about his travels, and he'll enthusiastically begin recalling plates of food---but I think of that rainy night in Amsterdam. The uncertainty of the unplanned, but the certainty that it will all work out fine. The regard of the world beyond our salted caramel frappucinos and neatly paved roads as something not unwelcoming and hostile, but waiting. To look your fear of flying on airplanes, sketchy characters on unfamiliar streets, and the ambiguous unknown in the face and say you're not stopping me.

I've missed that feeling ever since.

Tomorrow I'll be boarding a plane for two months in Peru. My bags are packed (well... mostly), my tickets are printed, and my poor appendages have been loaded with vaccines until it hurt to move. I will be rigorously learning Spanish and volunteering with a Christian organization in Cuzco that provides for those in need... and maybe some of that being-a-tourist-with-a-camera stuff, too.

As for the other frequently asked questions, "Why Peru?" "Is your husband going with you?" and "Why?" Because Europe is so predictable; nope, he'll be waiting in California for my postcards; because I can. Respectively. :)

I've heard it said that the opportunity to spend an extended amount of time in a foreign country is truly a priceless, unforgettable experience. I look forward to the people I'll meet, the pictures I'll share and the stories I'll be able to tell. Major thanks to my amazing husband for being crazy and supportive enough to let me do this, and a thousand apologies to those of my friends who've been told we'd get together after finals only to read this blog and realize I never had the time to make it happen---but I'm looking forward to fall!

Please keep me in your prayers as I embark on this grand adventure (and watch for more posts...)!

The Hartzell's. Point Mugu.

Opened windows & broken glass.

"I love this top! ... But I shouldn't buy another thing until I reach my goal weight," she said, hanging it back on the rack.

"I really want pictures of my family," she said, "but I'm not getting in front of a camera until I lose at least 15lbs." As is often the case, her weight loss couldn't keep up with the ever-turning pages of her life. It's been years, and as far as I know she is still holding off on family portraits.

"I can't believe I'm not where I want to be yet," she moaned. "I hear you," I replied. "For years I've heard you. But if you don't make this less of a priority, you're going to be a 90-year-old waging war on the last five pounds."

As a person who used to struggle with her weight, I'm clearly not suggesting anyone give up their healthful aspirations. I simply want to pose the question, are they healthy? Because obsessing about anything is not. (Definition of "obsessed" here = anything that takes up more energy and concern than it really ought.) Women are bombarded by images from every angle of what they "should be," when most of it is smoke and mirrors and none of it matters a fraction of its given priority.

Women across the world should be outraged at the lies that we are being fed on a daily basis. Because that's what it is.
Lies.

We'll pretend for a quick second that it's not. The truth remains that a 155lb woman who swears she'd be exactly where she's always wanted if she "just lost 15lbs" (sound familiar?) probably isn't going to be any happier when she reaches 140. Kind of like how a person who banks their hopes of happiness on earning six-figures will likely never be any happier than they are with five.

(---to which I might add, "the way you CURRENTLY are.")

Image courtesy of Pinterest

Laugh, if you will, at the counter-intuitiveness of everything society has ever told the 21st-century was desirable and worthy of investing our lives in. And then realize I'm right.

I spoke with a woman today who no longer has fingerprints due to excessive chemotherapy. I recently watched a documentary about the man with a swelling 12lb tumor cascading from his overtaken face. And then there was that time I once made the mistake of google-image searching "birth defects" (I'm not recommending it). Meanwhile, perfectly healthy, uniquely beautiful girls---myself at times included---look in the mirror and agonize over the size of their hips. Or their chest. Or their waist. Or the texture of their hair. Or the shade of their skin, the circumference of their calves, the size of their eyes, the shape of their nose...

Women of the world, you've been robbed of something priceless. That something is called contentment. And quite frankly you ought to be livid.

So how do you negate lies? By speaking truth. The truth is that almost no one meets the world's unrealistic standards of beauty. Out of the group that does, many of them have paid an immense price for it by allowing it to consume their careers, their bank accounts, their relationships, their identity... their daily lives. (My goal isn't to judge these women, but to expose the reality of what I believe to be their situations.) And I don't believe that any of them---not one---are solely happy (if truly happy at all) because of it. Because at the end of the day, it always comes down to what does and does not matter.

The conversations at the top of this entry really happened with women I really care about. And when their voices all started to come together, it made me a depth of sad and outraged I can't explain.

DON'T PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD FOR SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU ONLY REALIZE HOW MUCH IT DOESN'T MATTER UNTIL YOU'VE EXCHANGED IT BIT BY BIT FOR WHAT DOES. 

"Trust me, perfect should try to be you." -Bo Burnham


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To be a sparrow.

"I volunteer once a week. I do full time school, but I don't have to worry about kids. You should come home to a house looking like Buddy the Elf spent the night."


He laughed. I sobbed. Theoretically, if I'm not changing diapers or waking up in the middle of the night, shouldn't paper snowflakes and lace buntings be gracing doorways to a spotless kitchen constantly stocked with healthy, homemade food, with singing squirrels and blue birds that helped me load the dishwasher nearby? (Theoretically; I do hope to attend grad school.) Reality looks more like a lot of leftovers, a frequently unmade bed, and dogs that aren't walked nearly enough. And yet, most days it's all I can do to do all I can. But it just doesn't ever feel like enough.


I'll save you the hassle of telling you about my criteria of what's "enough" and just come right out and say that I tend to be an overachiever. Overachieving aside, though, budgets will always need balanced… informed purchases will always need to be made… grocery shopping always needs done… baseboards always need dusted… our bodies always need regular exercise. How will I do this plus kids… and everything else life may entail?


I'm fully aware that I'm getting ahead of myself; my personality is the type that has drawn blue prints of the next five years of their life and has them stashed (neatly) in their office. But even with good time management, sanity doesn't always seem possible. And with only new responsibilities being added on with time…


How?


And then it occurred to me.

I can't.

Random but most recent pic of us.

Inability is not a concept I like to consider very often. But when I think about it, it couldn't be more true.

"I AM THE VINE; YOU ARE THE BRANCHES. IF YOU REMAIN IN ME AND I IN YOU, YOU WILL BEAR MUCH FRUIT; APART FROM ME, YOU CAN DO NOTHING." // JOHN 15:5

It's this amazing cycle that exists in a relationship with Christ: we need Him; He helps us.
We never stop needing Him. He never stops helping us.


But life is meant to keep us in a place of needing Him.



It's all too easy to start going solo, and we never seem to realize we have until one day someone who cares about us walks up and asks us if we're about to cry.


His assistance isn't something I can explain. But I know this: a lot of our busy-ness is the traffic jam (sometimes it's a 10-car pile-up) that is our minds. But when we let Him, He gives us a peace that truly passes logic or understanding. The peace of being in His hand… of whatever happens, it doesn't really matter; my worth isn't found there.


My worth isn't found in the amount of dust waiting to greet me in my living room's morning light.
My worth isn't found in whether or not dinner is figured out most days of the week.
My worth isn't found in whether I'm accepted to grad school…or whether I even finished elementary.


I am beautiful because He has told me I am beautiful (GENESIS 1:31). I am priceless because He bought me (MATTHEW 20:28, ROMANS 5:8, 1 JOHN 4:10). And He's holding my right hand (ISAIAH 41:13).


As for our anxieties of daily life---

"AND WE KNOW THAT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE GOD, TO THOSE WHO ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE." // ROMANS 8:28

"LOOK AT THE BIRDS OF THE AIR; THEY DO NOT SOW OR REAP OR STORE AWAY IN BARNS, AND YET YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER FEEDS THEM. ARE YOU NOT MUCH MORE VALUABLE THAN THEY?" // MATTHEW 6:26


&


"'IF YOU CAN'? SAID JESUS. 'EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE FOR ONE WHO BELIEVES." // MARK 9:23

And I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free! His eye is on the sparrow, and I know that He watches me.

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Image courtesy of Pinterest.com.

Living life amazed.

I live an amazed life.

Please note that “amazed” is not to be confused with “amazing.” Although “amazing” is a fitting adjective for a life as blessed beyond what one could possibly deserve as mine is, it has almost nothing to do with what it means to be amazed. “Amazing” is a matter of opinion. "Amazed" is a deliberate choice.

To best understand "amazed," I think it would help to clarify what it is not. I'll use my high school biology teacher as an example.

If "un-amazed" was in the dictionary, her staff picture would be next to it. Her approach was typical of the attitude that almost all of us adopt by default (myself included) as we are slowly introduced to a world where everyone acts as though the fact that the universe exists and we are alive in it is entirely customary. She probably comes to mind because her perspective is particularly evident when teaching something as truly amazing as biology.

Like my classmates, biology blew my mind. Not in an amazed way, but in the I’d-rather-walk-home-in-the-Florida-sun-than-sit-here-until-the-bell-rings-and-I-have-a-ride way. Did she open our eyes to the delicate intricacy of the human reproductive system? The wonder of the self-cleaning and healing machines that are our bodies? The baffling mystery of the human brain? Did she invite us to marvel at the fact that hair is made out of the same substance as fingernails… that the heart produces enough pressure to project blood at a distance of over 35 feet... or the reason that you can’t tickle yourself is that your brain identifies you as a non-foreign object and gives you away (I find this extremely interesting)?! 

You can probably guess where I'm going with this, and that the answer is "no."

What you may not have guessed, however, is that she seemed to go out of her way to indelibly instill the opposite. I can still see her small freckled hands wave through the air and her dark eyes roll around behind her glasses as she fanned our disenthralled expressions. “Look, kids, science is pretty common sense stuff. For example, [proceeds to explain a variety of biological processes with unpredictable outcomes in exquisite detail]---and I mean, of course. How else would it work? It’s nothing special, just like there’s nothing special about the fact that you’re a male or a female; your body just whimsically made the decision one day while you were developing in your mother’s womb (SEE: scientifically incorrect information), and how you got there wasn’t really a big deal, either. No need to be amazed or surprised by any of it---it’s all very ‘duh.’” Yes, seventh period of sophomore year was very inspirational.

Despite the efforts of my quality education, I managed to discover an awe-inspired existence. But my heart goes out to my old biology teacher. What a drab take on the mysterious miracle called life! She unknowingly robbed herself---and so many young minds---of so much wonder. 

Life blows me away on a daily basis.

I’m intrigued by the variety of human beings; their experiences, their senses of humor, the flecks of color in the irises as unique as the snowflakes they catch on their tongues or the prints etched on their fingertips. How we’re all so similar in many ways---and yet, somehow, one person could hardly be more diverse from the next. 

I can’t help but marvel at the perspective and ability of a 19^th century impressionist, for example, and simultaneously at my own belief that we’re all equally talented in distinctive, sometimes-undiscovered ways. 

I’m amazed by nature’s consistency and unpredictability.

I am floored by how two instinctively selfish, entirely different human beings can form a lasting relationship that defies their nature with the help and strength of a supernatural love.

And because my point just wouldn't be complete without a bit of astronomy: Neuron stars are so dense that a soup-can full of their material would have more mass than the moon. Black holes produce so much gravity that even LIGHT cannot escape. And if the sun’s energy could be harnessed for one minute, it would suffice the entire world for a year…

But, you know. It’s all pretty “duh.”

Although I like to think my biology teacher's case of "un-amazedness" is extreme, the tragedy is that her approach seems to be the norm. 

I’d rather be enchanted. I’d rather keep my husband amused with my wide-eyed, breathless smiles of awe over the seemingly commonplace. I’d rather feel grateful, humbled, and small. 

I'd rather be amazed.

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Info: altenergy.org, scienceray.org, space.about.com. Image: pinterest.com.